36

I turned 36 on Wednesday.  Yippee, yahoo! I could really care less about the number because honestly, sometimes I still feel like I am in my early 20's.  That could be a good thing, or a bad thing, depending on what it is I am feeling ;)

This is what my birthday week looked like:
doctor's visits, double ear infections and anitibiotics
missed school, fevers over 102
Daddy out of town, and sick none the less
a boy having some problems with a friend, me not having the foggiest idea how to handle it
praying a lot for guidance
ER visit in the middle of the night with a baby that couldn't breathe because she was so congested
more doctor's visits, nebulizer sent home...thank you very much!  fevers over 102+ again
3 calls from my Dad, because he knew I needed it...I love you!
birthday cards from people that I love and even a few from a few people that I haven't talked to in a while
praying with a dear friend on the phone, if only I could bottle that feeling of peace and serenity!
missing my favorite outing of the week, but talking to so many of my MM friends, it was wonderful!
parent helping and watching Tommy just glow as he was the "leader for the day!
eating lunch with two of my favorite guys at school
feeling fear that people don't like me
pure utter happiness that Trent came home on my bday and bought me a steak dinner, roses and a candle!
relief that my buddy and his buddy seem to be working things out
praying that the baby gets well soon and that no more trips to the hospital will be needed
finished a bunch of projects, my therapy
counted food cans and was actually happily surprised at the numbers for our food drive
ate out 3 nights in a row
laid in bed with my honey while we both did work on the computers and watched some robot movie
grateful that i am forgiven for all the mistakes that i make
doing weekly family time with the kids when daddy was out of town
working with a boy on his handwriting only for him to bring home a star for his improvement!
happy that it is friday and that this week is over

36, i have a feeling you are going to be just like 35

Just one of those days

We all have head colds.  Trent and Charlie seem to be on the mend, but Tommy, Penny and myself are dragging.  Not exactly what we need right now. 

Maybe it was the let down that Penny's party and Halloween are over, the fun is done.  Or maybe it is just because I am not feeling good.  But today was just one of those days.

I got Penny ready for bed tonight and thought out loud "Mama, what in the world did you get done today?" (I hope I am not the only mom that talks to herself, perhaps my problems are bigger then we think...just kidding!)  I thought of ALL the things I wanted to get done:

*wash the floors because someone walked through the house with dog poop on their shoe
*clean out from under the kitchen sink because the pipe broke and nasty coffee grind water sprayed everywhere
*take down Halloween decorations inside the house
*go to playdate (I canceled because we are sick)
*do 2 loads of laundry
*cook dinner
*start Thanksgiving book with Tom
*go to grocery store
*make a meal plan

None of that got done, what did get done:
*didn't make dinner but served leftovers, for some reason they LOVED it tonight when last night they couldn't stand it...go figure!
*got all dirty clothes picked up from everyone's rooms and got it ready to go to the basement
*cleaned the mud from the boys' church shoes that they wore at yesterdays family photo shoot
*scrubbed the kitchen floor on my hands and knees, I could not take things sticking to my feet for ONE.MORE.SECOND
*dropped Trent off at work and had all three kids in the grocery store by 8am to pick up milk and spaghetti sauce for dinner....forgot the spaghetti sauce
*played with Penny for a long time on the floor
*did homework with Charlie
*snuggled with Tommy on the couch and let him graze all morning/afternoon instead of eating "lunch" since he wasn't feeling well
*took an hour nap
*suctioned Penny's poor little nose about 10,000 times, probably more like 8 times, but her screaming and carrying on and all the junk I keep getting out of her makes it feel like 10,000 times!
*made Charlie's lunch for tomorrow


Ok, so my day was certainly not a total wash.  In fact if anything at all I already did three out of the five most important things I should do everyday.  I spent quality time with each my kids.  The night isn't over so I am going to go do my God time and then once the boys are in bed, I am going to snuggle with Honey Trent and probably watch some of his really bad tv.  But that is ok because I love him.

It is all good, it was just one of those days!

In Sickness and in Health

I think that there must be many times in a marriage when you look at your spouse and you truly know that they have your back.  That they love you, flaws, illnesses, quirks and all.  And it is in the safety, the comfort of that love that you are able to grow strong again, to heal.

The vows we made to each other on that hot July day, are not just a group of words, a pretty sentence.  They are real, they have meaning and are to be lived.  I have witnessed in our marriage how when one is weak, the other one is strong and helps pick up the slack.  But never before has there been a time in our marriage when not only was one weak, but one was  not able to participate in the day to day basics of life.  Not until two  weeks ago.

Postpartum depression/anxiety isn't fun.  In fact it is rather painful, mentally and physically.  It takes its toll on not just the individual but the family as a whole.  I am getting better everyday but it is a process.

I am thankful for a husband who has graciously and lovingly, without complaint,  taken care of me and our children during these last few difficult weeks.  He is my partner, my best friend, greatest fan, hero and forever love.

I love you honey Trent, now and forever!

Happiness is...........

Happiness is....

 

hugs from my girl.

Praying for Healing

Jane and I at Penny's baby shower.  A week before she died.

We went to church today, even though the thought of dragging all the children through the rainy, wet mess was less then motivating.

During the musical worship segment, my favorite, I prayed for healing.  The song ended and the stand in Pastor said we were going to do something different today for prayer.  He asked for those that had a need to stay standing and for others to come and lay their hands on them and pray for them.

At first I was a embarrassed, what would Trent think, would I be the only one standing?

I tried convincing myself that my "need" wasn't that big of a deal and I should just sit down.

But hadn't I just asked for healing?

 I stayed standing and several ladies came to my side.  One asked if there was something she could pray for.

The only words that I could get out were

"for anxiety over my step moms death"

I held Penny close to my chest and just prayed be healed of the overwhelming anxiety that often floods my body.  For the moments of late when the fear just gripes my chest and the panic sets in. I felt the presence of God in the warmth of their hands.

I have dealt with this demon before and I know how to defeat it.

Jane died and 3 weeks later Penny was born.  I was in shock over her death and then had to and wanted to go into mommy mode.  Maybe this is wrong to say or think , but I didn't want to miss those first sweet moments with Penny, I didn't want them to be clouded by my sadness.

I have focused on the positive and tried to see the blessings in her passing.  But I am just now beginning to really grieve and it is coming in the form of panic attacks.

So, I prayed for healing and God answered.

I miss her. I really miss her.

As Trent told me, if he wants to be sad, then he is sad.  If he wants to be angry, then he is angry.  If he wants to be filled with joy, then he is filled with joy.  

The pastor said that God can handle our questions, our doubt, our saddness.

I think I will let Him.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” - Deuteronomy 31:8

Organize, Purge, Plan, Clean

It is that time of year again to organize, purge, plan and clean up our house and lives.  Spring is always a period of rejuvenating for me and this year more then ever.  After having a rough Fall/Winter I am  ready clean house!

flying homemade kites in the mud pit backyard

I have started to slowly go through every closet, bin, basket and cupboard and get rid of everything that needs to go.  I plan to go back through everything and really organize and make it all pretty.  But for now I just need the junk stuff out of the house or at least in a huge pile in the basement waiting to head off to the garage sale!

The kids toys need organizing again.  The basement is now functioning as a playroom and they love it as do I!  It is so nice to have a separate room to house most of their toys and where they can go and play.  This task is just underway and I have a long ways to go but the pile in the basement is growing.  That is a good thing!


We are almost done with our school for the year. We all need a break and are looking forward to lazy summer days :)  I am busy planning Tommy's PreK curriculum for next year and hope to get it all done by May.  Charlie's curriculum comes at the end of June, beginning of July.  When it gets here I will go through all the lessons, worksheets, experiments etc and decide when and what we will be doing and what I need to supplement.  I just bought a new homeschooling mom's daily planner and I can't wait for it to come!

Charlie and Sammie

We were forced to clear our schedules all winter long trying to keep Penny healthy during flu season.  So far it has worked and we are beyond thankful for her health.  It has been a wonderful few months spending lots of time together as a family and focusing on what is really important.  We have really simplified our lives and it feels good.  With Spring right around the corner we will be getting out again.  We have signed the boys up for soccer and this summer they will go to VBS and take swim lessons.

On a personal note, I have begun to shed the baby weight.  I started off strong with WW (Weight Watchers) about 7 weeks ago and easily lost 11 pounds.  Then I got lazy and stopped counting my points and writing down everything I eat.  I haven't gained any, but I haven't lost any since either.  I am SO ready to have a body that slightly resembles my pre-baby body.  I am realistic in knowing it will never be quite the same and that is ok.  I have had three children.  I know some ladies can slim right back down to where they were, but that just isn't my reality.  I am trying to also look at this journey with a new perspective.  I want to focus more on being healthy then how much I weigh.  I know that very soon I will have a precious little girl looking up to me to be an example on many things.  I want to be able to give Penny a positive message when it comes to her body image.


The rain keeps coming but I know that sunny days lay ahead.  I can't wait!!

Thursday, February 3rd

This morning I read my Bible and completed lessons in  phonics, math and science with Charlie.  I vacuumed the downstairs and then took a shower mid morning.  I  blow dried my hair AND put on my makeup.  All before Trent came home for lunch. 

I tried on my jeans, the ones without the elastic waistband and then promptly took them off.  I am going  to.... oh, let's just not talk about it.

Today would have been my Granny's 100th birthday.  I hope I am a "Granny" someday, just like she was.

I decided not to change Penny out of her pjs until her first explosion for the day. She stayed in the them until 2pm at which point she got a full change.  Only to need another 2 complete outfit changes in less then 30 minutes. I don't know why we waste our money on diapers.  I am buying stock in TIDE.

I have been debating when to start sleep training Penny.  She is not on any kind of schedule, napping, eating or otherwise.  It kind of drives me crazy, sometimes.  Today she did take 2 naps in her bassinet, opposed to the swing or bouncy seat.  Neither was for more then 45 minutes though.  I think we will start at the end of February.  If I can hold on that long.

The children are all waking up from their naps and the sun is brightly shining.  I think some snow play is in order.  I love dressing the boys in their snow-pants and crazy winter hats.  I don't know why, but it always makes me happy.

Dinner is defrosting in the fridge and the budget is screaming for some attention. Thank you cards are waiting to be mailed and Penny is yawning for her late afternoon siesta.

Trent will be home soon and  I have been missing him. Another day is almost over, they go by so quickly these days.

2011 Goals

*look for ways to server others
*live a healthier lifestyle: eat better foods, exercise more, weigh myself less :)
*S.L.O.W D.O.W.N : with this comes patience and the not needing to do things "perfectly" or not do them at all.
*simplify: if the shoe doesn't fit then get rid of it, in all aspects of my life/home.
*continue to spend time with the Lord everyday
*family devotion time at least each week

Lake Chautauqua Summer 2010

We had a great time at Lake Chautauqua, Ny on our annual summer lake trip. The first few days it was overcast and rainy, but that didn't stop our troops from having a great time. We found plenty of ways to enjoy the water. Charlie and Tommy waded in to their tummies, Charlie even lots a shoe but Daddy came to the rescue and fished it out of the mucky bottom of the lake:)

Charlie loved digging in the sand. He made a really cool sand "attraction", that had several tunnels and pathways, moats around castles and stone walls. He and Tommy had a great time filling up their buckets and letting the water rush through the chambers.

Tommy and Daddy had fun fishing on the docks and catching minnie perch. He loves to fish and it is a great tool in teaching him patience ;)

We also spent a lot of time painting rocks we found as well as a few wooden kits that I had picked up at the art store. Who would have known that 49cent wooden trains and boats would have kept us all busy for hours?

Daddy and the boys on the rocks (that Daddy use to play on when he was little) outside of the Casino in Bemus.

We spent a few days on Lake Erie and Grandma Pam and Grandpa Brian's new house. The boys had a fantastic time running on the beach and playing in the water.

Tommy cutting the grass with Grandpa Brian

Grandma Pam kept the boys busy having fun playing golf in the backyard.

We spent some time at the Choo Choo playground at our lakeside resort. They have an orange train (can you imagine the excitement???!!!!), tug boats, swings etc. It is really a cute set up and the boys LOVE it!

A visit to the Bemus Point Fire Department. Tommy was in Heaven!
Having fun in Bemus Point in front of the Lenhart Hotel. I think the bearded lady was all our favorite :)

EARLY morning snuggles.

We went on lots of rides, played a lot of games and rode the train as many times as we wanted at Midway Park.

And we walked the entire trail through Panama Rocks. Trent took the boys through all the caves and in all the nooks and crannies of the huge rock formations. This place is so beautiful and amazing. I can't wait until the kids are older and we can really explore all the caves and fun hideaway sites this place has to offer. It was a great hike, but I literally thought I might die by the very end. I am pretty sure that not many other ladies have attempted to hike the rocks at 8 months pregnant....anything for my guys!

Arent' these fellas just the cutest?!
Charlie loves to go into this tree each time we are at the Rocks. I am not sure if he and his little side kick will fit in it next year.

Once again the Lake provided us with a great week full of fun and adventure. We make so many great family memories there and love to visit all of our family and friends when we are in town.

Baby Update: 28 weeks

(profile of baby)

Here she is, our sweet little girl. I already think she looks like her brothers!

(front shot of baby's face)

When Tommy saw this picture he said "whoooo, Halloween guy" because it is a skeletal view of of the babies face :)
And here is an outside of view of our little lady. Chin is long gone and so are the ankles, all small sacrifices :)

Baby is growing great, she is measuring a week larger then what she actually is which is not a surprise to us. My OB has been preparing me for another large baby. It will be whatever it is going to be :)

The lab in my OB's office did not do our genetic testing that we had ordered. They took my blood for it and then for some reason tossed the blood before running the test. When the mistake was caught, I was over the deadline for being able to have the tests run and have correct results. When pregnant it seems that all tests are time sensitive and need to be preformed within certain weeks of your pregnancy. Needless to say, I was not to thrilled about the mistake. However, from all the ultrasounds we have had everything looks great, so that is reassuring.

This week I went in for my Gestational Diabetes test. I failed the first test :( but this also happened when I was pregnant with Charlie and I didnt have GD. So, I am praying that I don't have it this time either! I go back on Thursday for the 3 hour, 3 blood draw test...yippee!! Nie Nie is coming to stay with the boys and take them to their swimming lesson. Knowing that she will be with them really makes me feel so much better about the whole day. I am definitely stressed, but trying to stay positive. And besides, I can use that 3 hour of alone time to work on some of the Christmas presents that I have been busy making :)

Lately I have just been trying to stay positive. My body does not enjoy being pregnant. I LOVE the outcome but the journey getting there is usually a rough one for me and this pregnancy has been harder then the others for several reasons. I have been battling a lot of anxiety lately, just from being in chronic pain of my pelvis separating, worrying about loss of baby, and trying to maintain life as "normal" for Charlie and Thomas. But with a lot of prayer and reading of scripture I find that I am winning this battle with my anxiety, one step at a time. I know that God is in control and that the pain I am experiencing right now is only temporary, that I need to turn over this baby to God and not worry, and that our boys are just fine whether then watch tv most of the morning or I am able to take them out on adventure. I know myself, and I am starting to hit that wall of "I can't do this any longer". I know that I have at least 12 weeks to go, and so I am trying to stay as positive as possible and slow down my pace a little. I keep reminding myself that our life is truly wonderful right now, and I am trying each day to enjoy every moment of it. I feel so blessed to be carrying this little one!

Trent has been WONDERFUL in these last 7.5months! He rubs my back almost every night, puts up with my snoring, runs out to get ice cream when a craving hits, takes the boys on adventures with him giving me some much needed down time, carries all laundry baskets upstairs, does not complain about ordering take out...again and continues to plug away at all the house projects that are needing attention before our little one arrives. I can tell he is excited to have a daughter and often comments when we are out about what teenage girls are wearing. I have a feeling that he is going to be rather protective of little baby girl!

Charlie is still excited about having a sister and looks through my pregnancy books often. I have been very straight forward with answering his questions as to how the baby will get out of my tummy, how it got there etc. Tommy seems to be excited too, however, I sense a bit of jealousy already. In the last few days he has reminded me that he is the baby and that he wants to go back in my tummy. Even though he has enjoyed moving to the Big Boy Room, I think that it is a bit unsettling to him to see us slowly redo the nursery that was not to long ago his room. We are doing things slowly and I think that will help him, but he is still very aware of what is going on.

12 weeks to go, the time is flying by!!

2 pregnant ladies

Syd and I have been friends for about 24 years. Wow that is a long time! We grew up together, got in trouble together, celebrated birthdays together (they are a day and a year apart) and had lots of fun together! Her family adopted me and I spent many a night sleeping at their home, eating brisket with them and always felt loved by them, especially her lovely mommy, God rest Miss Suzi's soul!

Time passed and Syd went off to college, I stayed here. We grew up and our lives changed. In the last 4 years we had lost touch with one another but I often thought of my dear friend and wondered how life was treating her.
By chance we started up a conversation via email or facebook, can't remember which and came to realize that we were both pregnant. She with her first and me with our 3rd. Both expecting little girls.
This weekend Syd and her delightful fiancee, Dan, were in town and paid us a visit. She had only seen Charlie when he was a baby and had never met Sir Thomas. It had been far to long!
Our visit was great over Trent's famous Sunday brunch of chocolate chip pancakes and turkey bacon...yummmm. It was so nice to catch up and see each others expanding bellies!
I promise not to let another 4 years slip by before calling on my oldest best friend!
Love you Sydley!!

6years

We have come a long way baby! Happy 6th Anniversary!! I thank God for your love each and every day!