|Jane and I at Penny's baby shower. A week before she died.|
We went to church today, even though the thought of dragging all the children through the rainy, wet mess was less then motivating.
During the musical worship segment, my favorite, I prayed for healing. The song ended and the stand in Pastor said we were going to do something different today for prayer. He asked for those that had a need to stay standing and for others to come and lay their hands on them and pray for them.
At first I was a embarrassed, what would Trent think, would I be the only one standing?
I tried convincing myself that my "need" wasn't that big of a deal and I should just sit down.
But hadn't I just asked for healing?
I stayed standing and several ladies came to my side. One asked if there was something she could pray for.
The only words that I could get out were
"for anxiety over my step moms death"
I held Penny close to my chest and just prayed be healed of the overwhelming anxiety that often floods my body. For the moments of late when the fear just gripes my chest and the panic sets in. I felt the presence of God in the warmth of their hands.
I have dealt with this demon before and I know how to defeat it.
Jane died and 3 weeks later Penny was born. I was in shock over her death and then had to and wanted to go into mommy mode. Maybe this is wrong to say or think , but I didn't want to miss those first sweet moments with Penny, I didn't want them to be clouded by my sadness.
I have focused on the positive and tried to see the blessings in her passing. But I am just now beginning to really grieve and it is coming in the form of panic attacks.
So, I prayed for healing and God answered.
I miss her. I really miss her.
As Trent told me, if he wants to be sad, then he is sad. If he wants to be angry, then he is angry. If he wants to be filled with joy, then he is filled with joy.
The pastor said that God can handle our questions, our doubt, our saddness.
I think I will let Him.
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” - Deuteronomy 31:8