Wash me a new

Trent has been traveling a bit the last two weeks. That coupled with 2 extra days off of school for the kids, a birthday party and a killer migraine, left me a bit frazzled. Really it was the migraine that prompted me to send out an SOS text to my girls begging for prayers for my sanity.  I can kind of laugh about it now that it has passed....kind of ;)

Motherhood is hard sometimes, just plain hard.  Usually, I am the one that makes it most difficult though.  Comparing myself to what "other" mothers accomplish or do is really the evil of all things. And when I get overwhelmed with what I have NOT done, that is when the ugly, not so nice, cranky, needing to apologize later for MY bad behavior, Mommy comes rearing her ugly head!

And so while my friends were hitting their knees all over the city for me, I hit mine.  I knew the reason that my tank was empty.  Sure, a migraine, a traveling husband and extra activities didn't help, but really I was floundering in the sea of life because I had not knelled before Him in several days.  I needed to run back to Him in the quiet of my room, to reconnect if even for a few moments.  He met me there, right where I was, just like He always does. He washed me a new, clean like the snow and I was able to then be the mommy I so badly want to be.

The next day the children, one by one came down with a tummy ache.  I did a crazy thing, I kept them all home from school.  They could of gone to school and muddled through their day but I felt the gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit telling me to keep them close.  And so I did. We stayed in our jammies all day.  Daddy brought us gingerale, soup and ice cream for lunch. We rented  a movie and snuggled on the couch.  We napped and woke up at dinner time.  It was such a great day and I was grateful that I had listened and obeyed.

The Day the Heaven's Shone

It has been cloudy and overcast for days, but today, Friday, February 17th the sun is shining brightly.  Heaven is rejoicing for today it has a new angel, our beloved Grandma Pam.

We celebrate that her suffering and pain has come to an end, but we grieve for the wonderful step-mom, mother-in-law, and grandma that she was.  From the moment I met her she dotted upon our little family.  Showering us with praise, encouragement, gifts, surprises, love.    She was considerate, loving, funny, strong willed, faithful, warm and one of the kindest people I have met.  You walked into her home and she pampered you, she was a beautiful hostess.  On birthdays and holidays she would call with requests from the kids, she was always thinking of what they enjoyed and what would make them happy.  Whether it was teaching them how to play golf in the backyard, treating them to a day at Chuck-e-Cheese, cuddling up on the couch watching a movie, showering them with love and treats, and making sure that they had warm soft blankets to sleep in,  she won their hearts immediately.

She won all of our hearts and today our hearts are breaking.  We are grateful for the knowledge and faith that we will see our sweet grandma again.
 

Our Family, My Blessings

Photos by the adorable and talented Wendy of Blue Lily

It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

Penny's hand print snowman ornament

Baking

Christmas of yesteryear

The ONLY reason we celebrate.  The birth of our Lord and Savior!

Command station, aka dining room table...just keeping it real people!

Santa nesting dolls Nana gave us...LUV!

Christmas cards

Santa WAS here!

Gingerhead cookies for Charlie's Christmas class party

Homemade box of magnets for teachers and friends

R2D2 ornament I painted for Charlie

It is beginning to looked a lot like Christmas.

A Servant's Heart

 For the last 2 or 3  years we have filled boxes for Samaritans Purse, Operation Christmas Child. And with each year that we participate we are blessed even more.

 Over the year I had saved odds and ends of little toys, party favors, extra crayons, etc.  It really helped to fill the boxes to the brim this year!  Each year we also go to the dollar store and the boys pick out several items for "their" buddies box.  This year the boys had been saving some of their chore money for this exact purpose.  I think they each had $4 dollars to spend and they were very careful on their choices.  Tommy knew right away that his "buddy" would love a truck and a Spider Man tooth brush.  Charlie choose a purple squigey porcupine ball and a tooth brush pack that had 2 tooth brushes in it.  He reasoned that his "buddy" would probably like the Spiderman tooth brush better, but this way he would have a toothbrush to share or just an extra one.  I was amazed at how thoughtful Charlie was this year.  He really got it!

This year we also included a letter to our "buddy" and our address.   We were told that often the children will write back to the family that donated the box.  We also registered our boxes online so we will know what part of the world our boxes went to.

I love doing activities like this with our children.  To teach them that it is always better to give then receive.  To show them how privileged we are as a family and a nation and that most of the world does not live like we do.  That we need to be mindful of those around us, help when we can, even if that means to say a prayer for someone. 

These are the moments that I hope are etched into our children's hearts.  These are the memories that I pray they will one day cherish for I know that I truly do!

Answered Prayer

I am not sure how to even begin writing this post.  I am flooded by so many emotions and feelings from the happenings of the last few days.  All of which have come to fruition this evening, leaving me grateful, overwhelmed, sad, humbled, in awe, feeling powerless, raw, and full of love.

Last month I said a prayer, a simple prayer really, asking God to show me a family or individual that we as a family could help.  Then I went on my way and didn't give it much more thought.  With Christmas approaching we have done are normal charity/service projects and being the chair of community service at Charlie's school, I began to put a list together of other ways we could serve those around us.

Then I got a phone call from my mom one day.  I heard the despair in her voice and the tears in her eyes.  She spoke of a family that was renting from her.  A single mom with 4 children. Over the years we have heard hundreds of very sad stories of her tenants, each with their unique set of circumstances.  But this family was different for her and for me.

I thought, what can I do?  There wasn't  a lot in our budget to put towards this family, but I knew that if I was going to try and help them that I could not do it alone.  So, I posted on face book a simple list of some of their immediate needs and asked if people could help we would really appreciate it. I also emailed 2 friends that are not on facebook.

Within a few hours I had a friend donate one of the twin mattresses.  The next day another friend bought a brand new mattress and gave a gift card to a grocery store for $200.  Another friend, who is unemployed as is her husband and they have 3 little children, dropped off brand new dishes, silverware, a gift for each of the 4 children and mother, blankets etc.  The day after that another friend said her church had given her $200 to go grocery shopping for the family.  The gifts just came pouring in, filling our basement.  My mom bought a table and chair set for the family, toys for the kids, a few kitchen items.  I went to the Salvation Army and bought the best 2 sets of twin sheets I could find and a Calphalon pot for $3!!!!!  I also drove by the dollar store and picked up some everyday items like toothbrushes, toothpaste, Christmas candy, spatula, strainer etc. I dug through our blankets and found 2 nice bedspreads that we never use and 2 new pillows that just sit in our linen closet.  The boys each picked out a book to add to our growing donation pile and we talked a lot about why all this "stuff" was in our house.

Out of the donations and the odds and ends from our home I put together a stocking for each of the family members and a gift bag full of goodies.  I wrapped some of the gifts so that the little ones would have the fun of ripping paper to see what surprise was inside.  I had so much fun putting everything together, trying to make it special for them.

I felt God's presence with each phone call and with each donation.  This is what I had prayed for and it was right before my feet. Even if the mom sold the mattresses for crack (as someone suggested, and believe me, I had thought it as well), that didn't matter.  What mattered was that people, Christians and non, were coming together to help a family that was truly in NEED.  That despite our own financial struggles we were digging deep to help a family that had/has FAR less then any of us do.  And if in our acts of service, just one of those children or the mother alike, could feel the love of Jesus' then it was all worth it!

My mom had told me that they literally had nothing, but I was no where prepared for what I saw.  All of their possession could fit in my kitchen.  They had 2 full beds (for 5 people), a leather couch that was literally falling apart, an old hutch that was beaten and worn and housed the smallest tv I have ever seen, and a small round kitchen table but no chairs.  They were eating out of 2 bowls, if you want to call them that....they were empty tubs of butter and they had two or three pieces of silverware.  There was not a picture to be seen, no children's art work hung on the fridge, no rugs on the floor, not a toy or book to be seen. It was as if no one lived there. Certainly not 4 children.

Forever etched in my heart are the eyes and smiles of those children.  So sweet and innocent, so grateful, so BEYOND grateful.  A truck that my boys haven't played within in months became their treasure.  The 4 year old carried around a stuffed elephant that I had given her in one arm and her new Dora bowl in the other.  The little boys clung to the Transformer my mom bought him as he helped carry in the items from the car.  The mother couldn't stop crying or asking what she had done to deserve this blessing.  The gratitude was on their faces, in their eyes and felt through their many hugs.

To God be the glory!  Once again He orchestrated a mighty plan and put into motion a gathering of people to help a family in desperate need of help.  I am  humbled and grateful.

Grateful

Tonight I am feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for the life that I live, bumps, mountains, valleys and all.  Life can be difficult, more then once I have been thrown a curve ball.  And each time I have fallen to my knees and reached out to my Lord and Savior for guidance, love and help.  I have often stumbled but I have never fallen so deep that God could not pick me up.

There have been times when I felt alone, scared, and uncertain of what the future would hold.  There is no promise of a tomorrow and that can be frightening at times.  However, I find great comfort is knowing that there is a promise of eternal life with Jesus, if I only believe.  And believe I do, with all my heart, with every fiber of my being.  There is nothing or no one that could make me believe otherwise.

To know a God that is all loving, full of mercy and grace.  To have that intimate relationship with Him and know that no matter how lonely I feel, how scared I get, that He is always with me.  He never leaves me, not for a second.  He is all powerful, mighty and majestic.  He is sweet and loving, comforting and caring. 

During my moments of weakness I often think of God our father.  What would my Dad here on Earth do if I was hurting, in pain? He would comfort me, probably give me a hug, bring me a milkshake :) and tell me that he loved me.  I know that our Heavenly Father would do the same and on an even great level.  I find so much comfort knowing this, it makes choosing happiness even in the valleys or climbing the mountains of life just a bit easier.

I feel so blessed to have a loving Heavenly Father.  I am grateful for the people that he has put in my life.  My husband, the man who has taken care of me, comforted me, gently rubbed my head and calmed my fears.  The man who has literally put everything on hold to help me get well.  He has shown his love for me and our family, time and time again through his actions.  Our family is stronger because of Trent.  Our family is happy and loving and kind and good, because of his example and love.

I often pray for Trent as the leader of our family.  What an incredible responsibility to hold.  And yet, he leads our family with such ease and confidence.  I know the experiences of the last few weeks have made him an even greater leader.  He has had to do things that he had never done before, make difficult decisions, and be brave and strong when I am sure he felt weak and alone.  But God has been right beside him, leading him. 

I feel as if our family has been protected, literally covered by God's grace these last few weeks.  My heart is full of gratitude tonight for my life, for my husband, our three sweet healthy children, our family and friends that have reached out to us in our time of need.  The daily phone calls checking in, emails, cards, flowers, dinners, babysitting, rides, and most importantly, prayers.  There have been so many people loving on our family, it has been amazing.

I thank God for all things. 

Life if good.

Tender Mercies

 When Charlie went off to first grade, one of the things that I worried about was the relationship between the boys.  They are a a little over two years a part and for the most part have done everything together, and that is the way they like it.  Yes, one minute they can be throwing each other down on the floor or trying to decapitate each other with their fierce pillow fights.  But I think that is how they show each other their "love" if you will.  Because the other will be the first to stand up to a rude friend it he doesn't allow all brothers to play in their game, and they run to each other's rescue over big tumbles and scrapes. 

 There are tender moments too between brothers.  Whether they are snuggled up watching a show together, loving on their sister together or playing their favorite Lego Star Wars Wii game.  These two love to spend time together.  So, my worries of if these two would remain best friends was proven to not be a worry at all when on the second day of school Charlie came bounding in the house with two new library books in hand.  A Clifford Kitten book for himself and a Clifford "mimi" fire truck book for his brother.  Charlie went on to tell me how he had been thinking of  his brother and how he just knew that Tommy would love a "mimi" book.

Tender mercies....Thank you God!

Joy Challange

My attitutude and spreading joy has been something I have been working on lately.  I truly believe that regardless of what life is dealing me at the moment, I can still choose to be happy and find joy in our everyday.  It is also a choice as to how I react to situations.  Amy I loving? Am I gentle?  Am I kind?  Am I thoughtful?  or Am I angry, frustrated, biter, mean and unhappy?

 

I am by no means a perfect person. I have many flaws and I fall short in my attitude and how I treat people on a daily basis.  I know it when I have stumbled and it always humbles me and brings me to my knees.  I definitely need God's grace! 

But negativity abounds! It is everywhere and frankly, I don't want to participate any longer.  I am more then guilty of complaining, being ungrateful and having a negative perspective.  And so in another attempt to find more Joy and ultimately change my attitude, I am participating in a Joy Challange.  Each day in the month of October, regardless of what is going on, I will make a list of at least one thing I am grateful for or see Joy in. I hope to be able to write more then one thing, but for me it really has to have meaning for the context of the day.

 

 

A New Season

Some of our fondest memories of homeschooling the last 2 years.

The boys have really changed during this time, grown in so many ways.

They have learned to read, write, and cherish time together as a family.  The latter being the most important to me.

From the very beginning we said that we would keep an open mind to their schooling.  I have often prayed that God would direct us in this area for we can not raise these babies without Him!

So, with a peace that I have not felt in a long time but with also a sad heart, we have decided to end our homeschooling days.  I am excited for our boys and the adventures that await them and yet hesitant, but trusting.

Charlie and Tommy, I have loved being your teacher and will continue to be.  Whether you are in a traditional school, or at home, it doesn't matter.  Our family is based on love. Built on faith, loyalty, and friendship.  We will continue to teach you of Jesus' love, and the truly important things in life.  We will always look back on the last 2 years with fond memories and a grateful heart for time spent together.  We are so proud of all the things that you have learned, all the fun things we have done and the miles and miles of growth you have made!  You are wonderful boys, God's greatest gift to us and we cherish each and every moment we spend with you.  We are excited for all the things you will learn, the fun you will have and the friends you will make. 

We love you.

Love,

Daddy and Mommy

God is Wild About Us!

 This was Charlie's second year attending VBS at our church.  The theme this year was Pandamania, God is Wild About Us.  Our church family does an amazing job with the decorations, creative snacks and crafts and most importantly, getting the message of God's love across to the kiddos.

 This was Charlie's best buddy at camp this year.  They were beyond silly together and really gave their counselor a run for his money!  Gary, their counselor was so cute and told the boys that they should really try and stay buddies even after VBS was over.  I think a playdate  is in order :)  Charlie's favorite part was the snacks.  They were really awesome and the kids were usually allowed to assemble their own snacks, so that made it even more fun.

Each day we would drop off and pick up Charlie in the new gym at church where they would hear any announcements and sing songs from the God is Wild About Us cd.  The music is LOUD and the kids go nuts!  They do hand motions for the songs and dance.   It is really electric and you can really feel the Spirit! 

Tommy can't wait until next year when he gets to go to VBS at our church with Charlie.  I hope that in the next few years I will be at a place where I can volunteer and give back a bit. I think it is a wonderful program that they offer to children from our church and from the area, it is open to anyone.  I hope that when the kids are grown and think about the summer of their youth, that they remember with fond memories learning about God's love at VBS. 

J.O.Y

I’ve got a joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart
Down in my heart, down in my heart

I’ve got a joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart
Down in my heart to stay.

And I’m so happy, so very happy
I got a love of JESUS in my heart
And I’m so happy, so very happy
I got a love of JESUS in my heart

I’ve got the love of JESUS down in my heart
Down in my heart, Down in my heart
I’ve got the love of JESUS down in my heart..
Down in my heart to stay..

I’ve got a peace that passes understanding
Down in my heart, Down in my heart! Down in my heart!
I’ve got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart
Down in my heart to stay.

*I remember singing this song as a little girl at Sunday school.  I remember that "Joy" I felt signing it, meaning every word. I have loved Jesus for as long as I can remember.  He has been "down in my heart" all these years, even though there have been times that I haven't necessarily reached out to him.

*I have been reading A.LOT lately.  All kinds of books about all kinds of subjects. I am gleaning so much from so many of the authors, all of them moms just like me that love the Lord and strive to live a Godly life. And just like me, they are all human and often fall short.  The amazing thing is though that God never takes back His grace and He is oh, so willing to share His mercy.

*An underlying theme in some of the books that I have been reading is about J.O.Y.   To find joy in all things.  The way to do this is to keep Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last.  I have to say that I am amazed at the changes that take place in my heart when I do this.  This is also hard for me to do because I can be a selfish and self centered person.  And even though I think I will always struggle with those traits at varying degrees, I also know that they can be changed and that my heart can be softened even further.  My heart has come a long way, but has even further to go.   Today, I am choosing to live with J.O.Y in my life.


*I also want Trent and our children to know that I find complete joy in being his wife and their mother.  There is no greater job for me, no where I would rather be.  Everyday I say prayers of thanksgiving to God for the family I have been blessed with.  My heart often fills full to the point of overflowing when I think of how much I am in love with my husband and how dear our children are to me.  But how often do my dear sweet ones know those true feelings, and not because I have told them 1,000 times, but because they feel them and SEE them in my actions?

*Something else I am taking away from my list of good reads is to keep a gentle spirit and a quiet voice.  I am really trying to not get frustrated with the kids and raise my voice or ask them 10 times to do something...which only makes me more frustrated. I have started to correct their behavior right away and do so in a loving but firm way.  I have stopped yelling requests from a different room only to not be "heard".  I have also started to praise them  more and encourage them more, trying to see all the good things that they do and give my expectations to the Lord.  When asking them to complete a task, I am now showing them how to do it and then letting them do it while I observe them and then offering further instruction if needed.   Seems pretty basic, simple common sense methods, but sometimes I really need things spelled out for me.

I have been really trying to keep my voice low and come to the children from a place of complete love and patience.  (As I write this during our quiet time, Tommy just pushed the limits and ending up head butting me in the mouth, a bloody fat lip is the result.  I can honestly say that I am trying to do these things, but sometimes, like 3 minutes ago, my first impulse is to react.  )  But even though I am still prone to not react from a gentle, loving place, there are more times of late that I do react in a positive way.  Within a few days of trying on my new gentle voice Charlie told me 2 times that I was being so "kind" to him.  Both boys have also been much better with their listening and I don't get frustrated with them as much.  

*There is so much joy in my life and I want those that I love dearly to see that joy on a daily basis.  I am encouraged to know that I don't have to be "perfect" in this quest, that there are other moms out there just like me who are trying to raise Godly children and live in a Godly marriage.  I am also excited to know that the flaws and character defects that I have held on to for so long can be changed.  All I need to do is continue to give my life to God, He will do the rest.

Some of the scripture that I have been encouraged by lately:

The Holy Spirit-he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you. I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart.  And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.  So don't be troubled or afraid.   John 15:26-27

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.  But take heart, because I have overcome the world  John 16:33

Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.  Matthew 6:21

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.  Keep on seeking and you will find.  Keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives.  Everyone who seeks, finds.  And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.  Matthew 7:7-8

This is my favorite.  Every day I find joy in the life the God has provided but I am still a sinner, imperfect, fearful, selfish.  If I were made perfect I would not need to seek the mercy and grace of the Lord.  I truly believe that it is through my struggles and moments of doubt that my relationship with God deepens and becomes stronger. 

My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.  2 Corinthians 12:8

Life Lessons

Trent and Charlie, March 21, 2006

Life lessons I have learned this week.

*I don't need a break (a few weeks, days or hours) from my kids, my husband or my "life".  And if I feel that way then I just need to stick closer to the Big Guy, you know, God.  Even though I have learned this week that I get way more accomplished around here when one kiddo is off doing fun stuff, I have also learned that then the house is strangely quiet and I would rather have the noise and all my little buddies,  then an empty yet clean house :)

*It is really ok to leave dirty dishes in the sink over night.

*A stern, loud voice can break a spirit.  A gentle, yet firm voice can settle even the silliest of boys.

*Chocolate chip cookies don't taste as good as they use to.

*Life and death happen, but God has it all under control.

*I need to be more flexible and I am not talking about my body.

*I love my husband, I really, really, really love him. ( I didn't just learn that this week though!)

* The kids daily devotion was about letting vile things come from your mouth.  They used a story about 2 little girls that were talking badly about a friend. The story went on to say how God wants to be nice to others and not say mean things.  I think I need to be a better example of this to our children and my husband.  How often do they hear me not using the nicest words to describe someone or something.  How often do I run to Trent and "unload" my opinions and judgement of others.  Not too pretty.

*One of the biggest gifts I have been given is TODAY, right now.  So, what am I going to do with it?

Praying for Healing

Jane and I at Penny's baby shower.  A week before she died.

We went to church today, even though the thought of dragging all the children through the rainy, wet mess was less then motivating.

During the musical worship segment, my favorite, I prayed for healing.  The song ended and the stand in Pastor said we were going to do something different today for prayer.  He asked for those that had a need to stay standing and for others to come and lay their hands on them and pray for them.

At first I was a embarrassed, what would Trent think, would I be the only one standing?

I tried convincing myself that my "need" wasn't that big of a deal and I should just sit down.

But hadn't I just asked for healing?

 I stayed standing and several ladies came to my side.  One asked if there was something she could pray for.

The only words that I could get out were

"for anxiety over my step moms death"

I held Penny close to my chest and just prayed be healed of the overwhelming anxiety that often floods my body.  For the moments of late when the fear just gripes my chest and the panic sets in. I felt the presence of God in the warmth of their hands.

I have dealt with this demon before and I know how to defeat it.

Jane died and 3 weeks later Penny was born.  I was in shock over her death and then had to and wanted to go into mommy mode.  Maybe this is wrong to say or think , but I didn't want to miss those first sweet moments with Penny, I didn't want them to be clouded by my sadness.

I have focused on the positive and tried to see the blessings in her passing.  But I am just now beginning to really grieve and it is coming in the form of panic attacks.

So, I prayed for healing and God answered.

I miss her. I really miss her.

As Trent told me, if he wants to be sad, then he is sad.  If he wants to be angry, then he is angry.  If he wants to be filled with joy, then he is filled with joy.  

The pastor said that God can handle our questions, our doubt, our saddness.

I think I will let Him.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” - Deuteronomy 31:8

Easter 2011

We  had a wonderful Easter.  We were able to go back to our lovely church (after months of not attending because it was flu season and we were trying to keep Penny healthy) and it was SO good to be back!  The boys were excited to see their teachers and went in their rooms without any hesitation.  Penny stayed with us in the sanctuary and did really well.  I did have to walk with her in the foyer for a bit but they have a tv broadcasting the sermon so I didn't miss out on much.  I was just thrilled to be there and could feel the Spirit.  Mom also joined us at church and I was happy for that too.  When church was over we headed home to see if the Easter Bunny had stopped by while we were gone.  Indeed he did!

Charlie got a bunch of cool LEGO stuff.  A game, 2 books, movie etc.  Tommy was pretty thrilled with his loot as well, 2 games, a Transformer coloring book, candy and money filled eggs.

The babies

Daddy and his boys

Mommy and her little lady

I love this picture of Nana and Penny!

Grandpa and Penny

We wanted to do our annual Easter egg hunt in the backyard but our yard is a HUGE mud pit.  So, Trent had the great idea to hide the eggs at the school playground that is 2 houses down.  So he and Uncle Greg ran down and hid the eggs and then called for all of us to come on down.  The kids had a great time, Charlie said it was his favorite part of the day :)

Tom hunting eggs on the playground

Charlie finding eggs

Next year Penny you will be hunting eggs too :)

Sunflower PEEPs Chocolate Cake (Thanks for the idea Susana!)

Then we headed back to the house to eat some cake and ice cream!

It was really a nice day. We had our new neighbors over for dinner as well and it was so good to fellowship with them a bit.  I was kind of bummed that we didn't get a full family picture or a picture of Trent and I.  So, after everyone left and Trent and I were hanging out we decided to take a few of our own photos.

I love that man!